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Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Year-Round Vamps, Themed TV, Monster Movies, & Cute Costumed Kids!

PopSugarTV — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:04:52 -0700

In part one of our 7 Reasons Why Halloween Is Huge in 2009 special, we count down numbers seven through four: we explain how the vampire craze has us in the spooky spirit all year long, we round up all the new Halloween-themed TV episodes and movies, and show you the cutest celebrity kids visiting the pumpkin patch this year!

Are All Your Friends Fashionable?

FabSugar — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 13:03:22 -0700

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JT & Jessica Breakup Rumors, Kristin Chenoweth on Glee, & Khloe's Scripted Wedding?

PopSugarTV — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:24:48 -0700

The rumor mill is running wild this week with stories about Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel's relationship, Kristin Chenoweth brings down the house on Glee tonight, and Lisa Kudrow sings "Smelly Cat" on stage!

Do You Want to See a Friends Movie?

PopSugarUK — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

A Friends spinoff movie appears to be closer than ever after comments made over the weekend, by James Michael-Tyler who played Gunther in the hit show. He said, "Friends: The Movie is definitely on. I still keep in touch with a lot of the cast and they say that they are really keen." With the success of the Sex and the City movie, and the second one on its way, it must be tempting to the cast although as Lisa Kudrow pointed out, the shows had very different formats. Still, she says she remains open to the prospect of it, fifteen years later. I'd like to know if you would like to see Chandler, Joey, Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe reunited on the big screen? Let me know!

Ask Someone Dealing With Depression: Should I Be Mad at My Friend For Telling People I'm Depressed?

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, someone who deals with depression gives advice to a woman who is mad at her friend for telling people in her circle that she is depressed. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I shared my struggles with depression with my closest female friend and told her that I did not want anyone else to know about it. She decided that because I wasn't answering her calls she would call the wife of a leader in our church and ask her for my husband's cell phone number so she could call him, asking about me. My "best friend" told the woman that I was going through something serious and when the woman said, "At least she's not seeking outside help" my friend said, "Well, I don't know for sure if she is or isn't."

Why else would she call her and say those things unless her intentions were to let her know about my situation and to inform her I "might" be seeking outside help for my depression? I found out about this conversation from the leader's wife and she only admitted to it after she knew that I knew about it. She insists that she only had my good in mind.

The thing is, it was a really huge deal to me that these people not be in on it because I know that they would attack me for being depressed in the first place, and also if I sought help outside of the church. The last thing I needed at that time was some church discipline. I was really suffering! I am so mad at my best friend for saying anything; should I forgive her?

Signed,

Angry and Depressed

To hear what someone dealing with depression has to say, read more.

Dear Angry and Depressed,

There seem to be three related but separate issues here: one is your anger at your friend, the second is the question of how your church is handling this, and the third is how to actually manage your struggle with depression.

As someone who has been through a lot with both depression and anxiety, I empathize with your situation. Depression hurts. As for your friend, I think you need to assess who this friend is to you, and whether she reached out to others because she was simply worried and didn't know how to handle it. While the outcome might have been a problem, if she did it out of legitimate concern I think she may be a real friend who just handled things badly because she cares and was confused about what to do.

My major concern with what you have said is that your church community thinks there is something wrong with getting outside help. Admittedly, I am not religious and have never belonged to a church, but I strongly feel that a community of any kind that is truly concerned with one of their members' well-being will support them in what they need, and not be judgmental about what that support might be. I think it would be worth explaining to your friend that what she might have considered finding you support actually feels like discipline, and that she needs to be more sensitive to what you need.

Finally there is the question of your depression itself. I do not want to assume you are in a situation where professional help from a therapist or doctor would be appropriate, but severe depression is something you need to talk to a professional about. If you feel like you are not getting help from your friends, family, or church, you're taking care of yourself by asking for outside help. Doctors are legally required to respect your privacy, and you could ask if they would refer you to a therapist.

Far more people struggle with depression than we can imagine when we are sitting alone with our thoughts, and there is support out there for you. You may just have been going through a rough patch and not need anything further, but depression is too serious a condition not to explore your options. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem like you can't find the right person to help you right away, but there are also lots of great people out there who can help. As for your friend, tell her how her action made you feel, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek some relief for your pain from professionals. Good luck!

Are Your Friendships Affected by Your Children?

babysugar — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 08:00:00 -0700

A bit of fear creeps in when I am introducing my kids to my friends for the first time. I hope that my babes will adore my buddies (and vice versa), but there's no guarantee. I have experienced the awkward moment when my daughter wigged out as my girlfriend tried to hold her. And, watched as my child tried to strike up a conversation with friends only to have them snub her and return to other topics of interest. To be fair, they are generally self-proclaimed "no children" kind of people.

Though reactions can be chalked up to moodiness or bad timing, the bond (or lack there of) between a mom's kiddos and her friends can have a lasting impression on the adult relationship. Mamas may feel more at ease knowing her tots are surrounded by those who adore the wee company. She may stray from those that are only interested in adult time, which can be sparse. Do the relationships between your children and your friends affect your friendships?

Photo courtesy of New Line Cinema

Would You Discourage a Friend From Buying Something Because You Want It?

FabSugar — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 09:00:22 -0700

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Could You Get Rich Playing Therapist to Your Friends?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:39:21 -0700

The Hills returned last night with many heart-to-heart talks - some of them surprising, others predictable. In the second episode of the new season, Stephanie and her brother Spencer have it out over how he treats Heidi. In the clip below, Stephanie points out that he's not exactly treating Heidi well and claims, "If I was a therapist, I'd be a millionaire with how many conversations I have with Heidi."

I can definitely identify with that one; some of my friends would owe me serious cash if I started charging for my services, but I don't mind. How about you: Do you have a friend whose therapy needs could make you millions?

Where Do You Stand? Our Oversharing Generation

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0700

With Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace taking over the Internet, it's hard to escape from this oversharing generation we've created. With a push of a button, we can now track our friends through their cell phones, Twitter our life stories, update our relationship status, and tell the world whatever is on our minds. And while I think these easy methods of staying connected with friends and family are a great benefit of our time, I also think a little mystery can be beneficial to all relationships.

I know there's a lot to be said here, so tell me where you stand on our current obsession with oversharing.

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