Louis C.K. loves being divorced, so he'd probably make the world's worst marriage counselor. Then again, the comedian's stand-up performances are loaded with relationship wisdom — on marriage, sex, the differences between the sexes, and why dating is a display of true courage. Below, I've rounded up some of my favorite (tough) love quotes from Louis C.K. on every stage of love and marriage.
On Sex After Marriage
"There's guys thinking of getting married, and I hear them say stuff like 'I don't know if I could have sex with one woman for the rest of my life.' Where are you getting that twisted fantasy? You're not gonna have sex with one woman. You're gonna have sex with zero women."
On Dating as an Act of Bravery
"How do women still go out with guys? When you consider the fact that here is no greater threat to women than men. We're the number one threat to women, globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We're the worst thing that ever happens to them. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease."
On Dating and Sex
"Sometimes you see a date that's later down the line. There's something that happens on a date that I never get to witness, because women do this, they get to do it inside. They get to decide quietly, 'I'm gonna let him f*ck me.' They just get to decide. Something he says, and she's just like 'That was good. I'm gonna let him f*ck me later.' And he has no idea."
On Postcoital Behavior
"After sex, you're looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool, and the woman wants to cuddle, something that men love to make fun of women for: ''They always wanna cuddle, they're so needy.' . . . She's not needy, you idiot, she's horny! Because you did NOTHING for her. You did absolutely nothing. If you f*ck a woman well, she will leave you alone."