Wake up and smell the fairy magic, True Blood fans — with the finale one week away, season five is almost over. There's a lot of progress made on this season's stories this week, and also a lot of ridiculousness. Bill's still hopelessly devoted to Lilith, Sookie and Jason team up with their fairy family to bring down Russell, and Pam sports a startling '80s side-ponytail/bun duo. Yes, it's a busy week in Bon Temps.
Nothing really wraps up this week, but it does feel like the beginning of the end. As usual, the episode concludes with a cliffhanger, but before we get to that, let's discuss some of the finer points of this week's episode. Nora and Eric share an intimate moment, Alcide gets shirtless, and Andy's gonna be a daddy when you read more.
- Best Freddy Krueger impression: We've seen scary, bloody, naked Lilith before, but she appears again, telling Bill he's "the chosen one" in a couple scenes that are akin to a dream sequence from A Nightmare on Elm Street. Before Bill can even shake his head in disbelief, Lilith is gone. But wait! There's still a bloody handprint left behind. As Bill finds out later, Lilith has been tramping around and leaving handprints all over Authority headquarters.
- Most gratuitous sexual tension: Nora really just needs somebody to love. First there's the lady-on-lady kiss with Salome that's totally out of left field. Then she has an encounter with Eric that can only be described as anxious desperation sex.
- Most deserving of a good slap in the face: Bill's bad guy act is getting really old. As much as I get bored with him pining for Sookie, his random allegiance to Lilith is even worse. I keep waiting for him to snap out of it, but instead he just keeps being creepy, insisting Jessica turn Jason into a vampire and then later beheading another Authority member when he finds out he isn't the only "chosen one."
- Biggest recycle fail: A military General pays a visit to threaten The Authority for keeping Russell Edgington alive and Eric impulsively snaps his neck. I'm less surprised by the violent killing than by the fact that no one drains the still-warm General of his blood. A cave full of vicious vampires and none of them feel the need to feed? What a waste.
- Most uncalled for Ke$ha reference: Sookie finally finds the head honcho of fairies, a cheap-dress-wearing woman who operates in different times and dimensions. Before we can even digest what that entails, we find out that it just means she wants to know what Sookie thinks of Ke$ha and Boyz II Men. I wasn't very impressed, but I did get a kick out of her explaining to Sookie that there's a reason she "sluts [her] heart out to every guy with fangs." Tell it like it is, sister.
- Best lumberjack ever: Alcide is just casually chopping wood, er, the ground (or something) when an old pal turns up to talk official pack news. He doesn't have a shirt on — because most lumberjacks don't wear those — and his Levis are spectacularly tight. Paul Bunyan would approve.
- Speediest trimesters: Fun fact: fairies are apparently only pregnant for a few days before they're ready to pop. Andy learns this the hard way when he finds out the fairy he had an affair with in the forest is carrying his child. It's a shame because things are going so well with Holly, even if her snotty kids aren't too thrilled with the relationship. Poor Andy just can't catch a break.
- Most useful parlor trick: A glamoured Jason leads Russell and Steve right to the fairies' weirdo circus-themed den, but they can't see it. Until Sookie and head fairies show themselves at the conclusion of the episode, Russell and Steve just stand in the field intensely sniffing what I assume smells like freshly baked bread and sweet, sweet, magic. Take that, Harry Potter, your invisibility cloak has nothin' on fairy power.
What did you think of this week's True Blood? And how do you think season five will conclude?