The Originals  have 99 problems right now, and Celeste is just one. Things are going to hell in a handbasket down in New Orleans, and this week the witches prove that they're not to be trifled with. Father Kieran gets in deep trouble with the coven, while Hayley throws a doomed party for all her delightfully naked werewolf friends. Papa Tunde is out of the picture, but that just means Celeste is even more powerful and ready to take over the town. There's a lot that happens, so let's see if Elena, Damon, and Stefan can get through their thoughts on this week's episode without blushing at the sight of Oliver's abs.
When Klaus and Marcel Go to Church
It's hilarious that Klaus and Marcel are attending regular church services, as if they're not blackmailing the priest into cooperating with the supernatural forces that run the city. If there's one thing these boys don't fear, it's probably God.
When Monique Tumbles Out of the Grave During a Tour
Monique is back from the dead, and she picks an opportune moment to break free from her elaborate grave: smack in the middle of a tourist group that Celeste is running. If that happened to me while I was on a guided tour of a New Orleans cemetery, I'd definitely recommend that tour company to my friends.
When the Redhead Shows Up and Tells Cami to Murder Klaus
Hey girl, get outta here.
When That Lady Marks Father Kieran
As Father Kieran is saying goodbye to parishioners after the church service, one lady leans in and gives him a little gift: a curse mark on his hand. Honestly, at first I thought it was dumb because she just makes it look like Father Kieran went clubbin' the night before, but apparently that stamp is serious business. He's already getting a little crazy, and if this goes in the same direction as it did for Cami's brother, we're in trouble.
When Elijah Sneaks Up on Celeste
Elijah, you sneaky fox. I love that he's sneaking up on who he thinks is Sabine and he totally doesn't get that she's Celeste yet. Oh, you need an ally, Elijah? Probably don't go to the enemy.
When All the Hot Naked Dudes Show Up
Um, yes please, more please. Hayley's were-relatives are hot. What's even better is they all turn up naked, including Oliver, who has an extended conversation with Rebekah in the kitchen whilst totally in the buff. I wish this happened every week. Not the betrayal part, just the naked part.
When Jackson Tells Hayley She Is Meant to Be His Wife
One werewolf in particular has been keeping an eye on Hayley. She talks to him weirdly seductively before he turns into a human, but good lord, does he turn into a man. His name is Jackson (guest star Nathan Parsons), and he tells Hayley that their families used to rule the world and they are actually supposed to be married. Real talk: I would just accept it and run, especially because he clarifies that they don't share a bloodline. (That's important stuff.)
When Celeste Poisons Elijah
Ugh, I hate it when people mess with Elijah. He really is just trying to create peace in the region and all he gets is shut away in a coffin, poisoned, and so much shade.
When the Blade Enters Into Klaus's Body and Buries Itself in His Flesh
Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck. Did you see the way it just embedded itself into his body? Yuck.
When Elijah Saves Hayley
Choosing Hayley over your own blood, eh, Elijah? This is an interesting, albeit not altogether unexpected turn of events. Does this mean a makeout session is imminent?
When Monique Makes Sophie Bleed From Everywhere
OK, this part is so gross because who needs to see someone bleeding out of their eye sockets on a quaint Tuesday evening, but guess what? Sophie has been such a nuisance all season I don't really care if she dies — and don't forget, this is The Originals, so there's a good chance someone will swoop in next week and save her.