First of all: Yay! Gossip Girl is back! But second of all, episode 18 is really meh. Don't get me wrong, there were highlights (Nelly Yuki in a fat suit, sex in a costume closet), but this episode is mostly concerned with tying up loose ends in that quick, nonsensical way this show has a habit of doing, and the result was dull.
Everything was just tame and/or lame: Dan and Rachel the teacher doing their little "I must see you" dance; Serena's PG crush on the school play's director; Vanessa shooting yet another documentary, etc. And don't even get me started on the biggest, most unforgivable offense of all: ill use of Chuck Bass, who limps along in the background mooning after that Eyes Wide Shut lady who's always in distress and could be one of the worst actresses I've seen on TV in a long time. (I haven't disliked a GG character this much since Aaron.)
But! It's going to get a lot better next week, and I was still glad it was there on my TV. Ready to discuss? Just read more.
- So it's basically a senior requirement to participate in the school play, which of course means everyone tries to weasel out of it. Chuck gets a doctor to diagnose him with acute stage fright, while Nate laments he should have gone the Jeremy Piven route and called in with mercury poisoning.
- The play is Age of Innocence — the genesis of Gossip Girl in the first place — so I was prepared for shallow, pseudo-intellectual comparisons of Edith Wharton's New York to Gossip Girl's New York, but oh. my. god. Could the writers have stuffed more meaningless, pretentious babble into this episode? Between that insufferable director and Vanessa and Serena, I kind of wanted to claw my ears out.
- Once again, the kooky, illogical, completely mind-boggling Yale admissions process rears its head. Nelly Yuki gets into Yale (by text, of course — wait, what? Ugh). Which means Blair has been booted out of Yale? Because, apparently, Yale only reserves one spot per rich-kid clique? Or something?
- Blair finds out someone alerted Yale to Blair's teacher-hazing antics. Which kicks off this huge mystery (Blair and Serena's secrets are blasted anonymously to Gossip Girl, too) about who could possibly want to ruin Blair? ("Everyone's jealous of me because my life is perfect!")
- Did anyone notice Dorota's little moment in the mirror holding up hair extensions? Aw. She just wants to be pretty like everyone else.
- I thought the evildoer was rather obvious: Rachel. But Blair couldn't figure it out: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get revenge when your enemy keeps changing?!"
- Here's a question: Why does Dan have to pass Rachel a note? Don't these people have cell phones or, like, email addresses?
- Also, Dan is so annoying when he's in "I'm 18, dad" mode. Well, you are having sex with a teacher, Einstein, so obviously you need Rufus to step in. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
- Serena. Duh. Dude's gay. I don't like Serena like that, all desperate and stuff.
- Vanessa and Nate. Um. Hmmm. Boring still? Although his little outburst on stage made me laugh: "I hate pretentious asshats who hit on other people's girlfriends!"
- Oh, and since when are Serena and Vanessa such close bffs? And since when does Blair immediately think "Serena!" when something bad is leaked to Gossip Girl?
- Blair does what any self-loathing high school senior who gets kicked out of Yale would do after a day like that: saddles up to the bar with a Martini. And who should saddle up next to her? Carter Baizen, of course! These two ought to be fun together.
Notice I didn't talk much about Chuck? That's because I can't even deal with that boringness. Unforgivable sin, writers! You hear me? *Shakes fist in air* Unforgivable!
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Photos courtesy of The CW