The title of this week's episode of Game of Thrones, "The Climb," has a dual meaning (and neither of them are related to the Miley Cyrus single). Figuratively, some continue to climb the ladder of power, as Varys and Littlefinger come face to face, and Tywin has a tête-à-tête with Lady Olenna. Literally, Jon Snow and the rest of his Wilding camp are faced with the daunting task of scaling the Wall.
The adventure ultimately brings Jon and Ygritte even closer together, but they're the only ones who are getting any action these days. Sansa is filled in on the news that she's not going to wed her top crush, Loras, and I have a feeling Shae's not going to be putting out for Tyrion anytime soon. Let's break down all the big moments we'll be talking about until the next episode when you read more.
- The rock-climbing date from hell. Though the actual climb is intense, I'm happy to report that this week's episode features plenty of adorable flirting between Jon and Ygritte: she teases him about his, um, tongue skills, and he gets bashful discussing their private moment aloud. I guess one night in a hot tub is really all it takes to fall in love with Jon, though, because Ygritte is ready to determine the relationship. She says it's OK that he's still secretly staying loyal to the Night's Watch, as long as he's more loyal to her — because she's his woman now, you guys! They get even closer during the climb when they're nearly killed and Jon comes to Ygritte's rescue. They also get a perfect sunset kiss when they finally reach the top. Let's just bask in the glory of that moment and forget about the fact that the Wildlings basically tried to chuck them off the Wall.
- Spirited away. When Arya and the Brotherhood Without Banners encounter Melisandre, Thoros and Melisandre basically have a Red Priest-off about who R'hllor loves more. Turns out it might be Thoros, as Melisandre is pret-ty impressed with his ability to bring Beric back from the dead. That's not her primary reason for the visit, though: remember that time she told Stannis she needed someone with king's blood for her spells or whatever? Well, apparently a bastard fits that bill — she makes off with Gendry (who is technically Robert's son, as we found out way back in season one). Naturally Arya isn't that pleased about this, and dare I say, Melisandre looks slightly intimated when Arya gets up in her face? Nevertheless, she promises Arya that they will meet again. How ominous!
- Thanks for playing — try again. Is it just me, or is Theon's story line starting to feel a little like Groundhog Day? This week, he gets tortured — again! — then trusts his torturer — again! — but it turns out the torturer is lying — again! In the midst of all this, they play a not-at-all-fun game called "Which body part do you need the least?" and Theon actually tries to to use "I need all of them" as his answer. Oh, honey.
- Matchmaker fun times. One of the best scenes of the episode is the showdown between Lord Tywin and Lady Olenna as they discuss the matter of their children's marriages. It's all pretty hilarious: Olenna labels Cersei as "old" and premenopausal, and Tywin bites back with Loras's sexual proclivities. Olenna agrees he's a "sword swallower through and through" (oh, dear), but then lays down the trump card: Jaime and Cersei's incestuous relationship. They finally come to the agreement that Loras will join the Kingsguard instead of marrying Cersei, but Tyrion and Sansa's wedding is still on. Speaking of which, can you believe we're deprived of the actual conversation in which Tyrion breaks the news to Sansa? So unfair.
- Cruel and unusual punishment. Joffrey doesn't have any lines in this week's episode, but his actions speak much louder. When Baelish finds out that Ros leaked information to Varys, he decides to give her over to his "friend" for an "experiment." That "friend" is Joffrey, and the "experiment" turns out to be using her for target practice with his crossbow. Can someone get that thing away from him already?
What did you think of this week's episode?